What's For Dinner: Revolution

Peaceful vegans is an oxymoron.

Hold that hate mail, Jack-o. At least until you’ve come to the end of this editorial.

And, since it is an editorial, and therefore, by definition, my personal comments on the world at large, I’m entitled to say just about anything I want.

So . . . “peaceful vegans” is an oxymoron.

I decided years ago that I wanted absolutely nothing to do with vegetarianism, and it wasn’t just because I like meat. I looked at the cases for both sides and decided that I would be a meat-a-tarian, and do my best to convince the world that veggie-burgers, faux-turkey, soy-milk and the like were murder.

Yes, murder, most foul and unnatural.

Feel free to re-read that paragraph if you need to. We’ll wait.

Think about it a moment. You have sheep (mmm, lamb-chops) and cattle (mmm, ribs) and pigs (mmm, pork chops taste good), and deer (mmm, venison stew) and so forth.

All animals.

All animals that, unless I was sleeping that day in biology (and what I know about biology could just about fill a bottle-cap), have four legs, teeth and the ability for free-range motion. Well, maybe not free-range, but certainly the motion that God and/or genetic adaptation have allowed for.

See how PC of me that was, allowing for peaceful co-existence between Creationists and Evolutionist?

Who say’s I’m not sensitive?

In short, each of these animals has the ability to the fight or flight instincts that any 18-yeard old blond in a horror movie has. Granted, they might not be as appealing to high school stalking, moral right-winger serial killers with a literal and metaphorical axe to grind, but the instincts are roughly the same. Things that do you harm and can’t be destroyed should be evaded.

That all of them choose not to use those instincts, especially the blond, is no reason to call the making of a great meal “murder”. In fact, there may be something in the serial killer that just sees these half-baked, half-witted creatures as good eatin’.

I’m taking about the blond, not the cows.

But, I will allow that every time I open a bottle of A-1 Steak Sauce, I am aiding an abetting the industry in the wholesale slaughter of innocent animals. I will allow it, only if vegetarians admit the same thing.

After all, what’s a head of lettuce going to do? Shake its leaves in a threatening manner? Yeah, right. Only in the wind. And unless we’re talking about Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton as farmers; lettuce in the wind just isn’t a frightening prospect to me.

See, Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton starred in Twister.

That’s why it’s funny.

And think about all your root-veggies: carrots, beets, onion, and potatoes. You Idahoans know what I’m talking about. If not for the potato, Idaho would just be a big boring, weirdly shaped state on the map, filled with Neo-Nazis.

Now that was stereotyping on my part.

Not all potatoes come from Idaho.

But I want to know who’s going to stand up for the rights of fruits, vegetables, nuts and berries? Certainly not the Grape Nuts folks. Who’s going to take a stand and say, to the produce manager: “It’s not just a tuber, it’s a tuber of love.”

Not Joe Albertson.

Who’s going to defend the fine wheat, hops and barely that human beings consume each and every day?

Oh wait, that’s where beer comes from.

Strike that.

But look into a potato’s eyes and tell me that there isn’t intelligence and feeling there. It’s high time we stood up for the rights of vegetables; vegetables who can’t stand up for themselves.

Just remember, the corn have ears.

And they have colonels.

They’re getting organized. It’s only a matter of time before the revolution comes. And then, these “peaceful vegans” will be the first butts nailed to the wall.