Rubber Pants in Our Size

In my youth, World Domination as an Evil Overlord was on my “Things To Do” list.

It’s still there, but it’s slipped down past the century marks, right next to “Run for Pope” and “Teach our Nation’s Children to Read.”

That’s right, I do dream the impossible dream.

I also think I would look smashing in a papal miter.

But that’s just for the chicks. Chicks dig a guy in stole and vestments!

Things inside my head function on a different plane of reality. That’s not to say a higher plane, but it’s also not to say a lower plane or a plain plane. It’s more to the side, or slightly angled. Like a fine Scottish rain.

For example, I have found that when I’m walking, Darth Vader’s Theme Song plays in my head. This could potentially be a throwback to my goal of world domination, but it might just as well be that the cadence of the song matches my normal gait. I don’t generally wear a lot of black, and I haven’t owned a cape since I was in high school . . . I mean college . . . I mean.

D’oh.

The point being, that I don’t really see myself as an asthmatic with a penchant for asphyxiating my victims while talking in a normal, clear and menacing voice. Although, the ability to Force Choke someone, while I’m on a conference call does have its appeal.

Coworker: Ok, so let’s move on to point 3, subpoint A. As you can all see . . .
Me: Boy this is boring.
Coworker: . . . and we need to all be familiar with, achhh, . . . eepp . . .
Me: And that’s lunch!

But aside from phenomenal cosmic powers, there are certain drawbacks to being an Evil Overlord. You have to have a lair and all the best volcanoes are already taken. You have to have a goodie-two-shoes nemesis, who is not only stronger, faster and smarter than you, but also better looking. Theme music and cool costumes aside, there isn’t much else that Evil Overlords have going for them in this section. You also need not one, and not two, but fifteen or twenty diabolical schemes for national, international, global, or universal domination. And if you get picked up for a third season, you’re just doomed to rehash some of those previous plans with typical outcomes.

Of course, I have learned some things over the years about being an Evil Overlord from watching the trials and tribulations of other attempted and established Evil Overlords. For instance:

All of my ventilation shafts will be too small to crawl through.
When my nemesis, captured and completely within my power, asks me, “Since I’m going to die anyway, why not reveal your plan?” I’ll shoot him, in the head, then say, “No thanks.”

I will also never challenge said rival to any form of one-on-one combat. My Army of the Undead will simply fill his body with bullets, change clips and repeat.

I will always have triple-redundancy in my systems, and no single switch will be able to shut down my computer program, death machine, or cosmic ray-gun. Alternately, I will have copies of all spells and incantations

Upon hearing of the downfall of my throne via prophecy, I will never seek out the reckless youth, burn his village and slay his people. Nor will I send death squads out to try to stop his onward march toward my capital city. I will simply abdicate the throne and move my operation, army, bank accounts, weaponry, etc., to a neighboring country.

Then I’ll nuke him on coronation day, and march my Army of the Undead through the streets.

Finally, if my plan for world domination fails due to a clever combination of skills, unlikely alliances, unforeseen forces and most of all luck, I’LL JUST TRY THE PLAN AGAIN. Annoyingly repetitive for the viewers at home, but Edison didn’t build his lightbulb on the first try either. World domination takes dedication to the cause. If you’re just going to say, “Oh well, let’s move on to a new and even more intricate plan with an even higher probability of failure,” then why are you in the game at all? Move over, Bucky, there's a new Evil Overlord in town!

Here are more helpful hints on how to become an Evil Overlord. My own were inspired by this list . . . except for the Darth Vader Theme Song thing. That's all Rob, baby!