What's Up Doc?

It has come to my attention that many of you are unaware that doctors are essentially big, fat liar-faces.

Liar-faces burn in Hell, you know.

Given the hundreds of thousands of emails that I've received on basic health and exercise question, I've put together the following FAQ of essential information that every educated American should know.

Q: Is running good for me?
A: Consider the marathon: 26.2 miles. The longest single-day running race based on the legend of Pheidippides, a Greek soldier who ran from the town of Marathon to Athens to announce that the Persians had been defeated in the Battle of Marathon, and died shortly after.

In honor of this noble runner, marathons held the world over maintain oxygen tents and have medics standing by with a good supply of body bags.

Does that sound good to you?

Q: Can cardiovascular exercise extend my life?
A: Your heart has a warranty for only so many beats. After that, time is up and you have to cash in your chips and head for the exits. You may be helped out by friendly civil servants called coroners. Speeding up your heart is like driving your car faster and hoping it lasts longer.

Prolong entropy by taking a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: Five words: logistical efficiencies. Riddle me this: What does a cow eat? Hay, corn, and grasses; sometimes other cows. But essentially vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grains? Drink beer.

Beef, chicken and pork can easily give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Simple: If you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

In the event that you have no fat, then you don’t need to bother.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Sometimes cute girls wear tight and revealing clothing.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: When you exercise a muscle, the muscle will grow larger. So exercising your abs will increase your middle, not decrease.

By contrast, muscles grow smaller from lack of use.

I see another nap coming on!

Q: Is swimming good for my figure?
A: Explain whales to me. Maybe they do a lot of sit-ups, but that seems to only make the more attractive to those harpoon wielding one-legged captains.

Whale-blubber isn’t just a clever euphemism.