It Came From Beyond

At times I think I can head Rod Sterling in the background of my life: "Picture a man, ordinary in nearly every way to the point of mediocity. He's about to take a wrong turn on a path that will leave him screming in fits of terror while bangining his head against the nearest cement wall; all the while mumbling, 'Why? Why? Why?' He's about to enter: The Relationship Zone."

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh . . .

To wit: I once had a girlfriend who came over to my apartment to tell me that we couldn't see each other because God didn't want us to. I would like to say that I told her not to let the door hit her fat ass on the way out, but I didn't (mostly because she was skinny as a rail). The upshot of this story is that a good friend of mine used this little vignette as a comic moment in one of his competitive monologues.

Art must reflect life after all, and when God hates you, that's just good comedy.

The relationship (shocker) didn't work out and later, God told me to go out for beer and not come back.

God, in my experience, is one individual you should always listen to.

Most people don't like to be alone, least of all me. There is something in the human condition that finds safety, security and comfort in being with others. Perhaps this harks back to our roots as a mud-grubbing Neanderthal-man who found that mob tactics worked pretty good against the stronger, faster and generally more agressive animals . . . like women.

Oh, my!

Did I say that out loud?

To be honest, I am bugged by the seemingly genuine perception that [men/women/other] are made up entirely of liars, cheats, mooches and all around bad people. The old standby that can only be considered a joke from cursory observations is: How can you tell that a [man/woman/other] is lying? Their lips are moving.

Funny, huh?

About as funny as Bob Saget.

In a coma.

More recently I saw a bumper sticker that stated, unequivocally: Boys Lie.

If this were always the case, then shouldn't our society have adapted more like the fabled Amazons from Greek myth? The Amazons would capture or entice men into their realm only for the sole purpose of procreation. Otherwise they found socializing with men to be, on the whole, useless.

That must have saved the average Amazonian "victim" on the steak dinners and the sappy, romantic Greek theatre while wondering if the Spartan team was going to be any good for that years Olympics.

But seriously folks, all [men/women/other] can't be conniving, bloodthirsty, backstabbing lechers. If so, then I just sent two dear friends to their ultimate doom.

Besides, I like sappy Greek theatre.

Or at least it's modern equivelant: the sappy, romantic-comedy movie.

I like romance in general, and no, I'm not gay. You can put that on your list of stereotypes that must go.

I think flowers are the perfect gift for nearly any occasion. I think a night on the town doesn't necessarily have to start with a beer (though that's not a bad way), and I'm pretty certain that holding the door open isn't that big of an imposition.

Unless you prefer dining alone (which you may) . . . it's a door. You insult it's purpose by not opening it!

But this still brings me back to my original (Zounds, too many English classes in college for me) thesis statement: Relationships are hard.

Once you get past all the propaganda that your gender of attraction is basically evil, and past the initial discomfort of approaching someone for a date, and then working past several dates into a "defined relationship" (don't even ask me how this ever occurs, I usually falter at step two), things get hard.

There's the communication, the lack of communication, the desire for more communication, the need to communicate on the same level.

Almost makes me wish I'd gotten a degree in the subject.