Worse than Gout

Yesterday, as luck would have it, I had a minor medical procedure. Nothing to be alarmed at in the least, just a little check-up. I did, however, have to war one of those wonderful hospital issue gowns. And here is where, as Bruce would say, my rampant gay-gene kicks in. Everyone is aware that the gowns suck cold rocks in the desert at night. No one looks even remotely attractive in these drapes of material, which makes it incredibly difficult to pick up chicks while in the operating room.

Trust me, I know.

Ok, I don't really know.

But I thought about it once, right before the anesthetic kicked in.

Most of my operating room experiences have been while under heavy sedation. This is probably more for the benefit of the operating room staff then for me. I tend to get little punchy under stress, and my jokes, marginal at the best of times, go down in humor by an order of magnitude at least.

But, and here's where I get serious, why don't they make gowns that are reasonably attractive? Perhaps in some color, ANY COLOR, other then the white with paisleys. Is that really too much to ask?

Apparently it is.

When Sue, my nurse, asked if I had any questions, I decided (as any good investigative reporter would) to take this opportunity as a gift from the Almighty Reporter. Apparently, Sue didn't see my concern as a valid one, as she laughed off the subject.

Or perhaps that's what she's been TOLD to say!

The old party line seems to be ringing in my ears.

The collaborators aren't talking.

It seems as much a conspiracy as it does simple human (fashion) concern, that a hospital or medical facility would worry about the form over the function. Given the old axiom, obviously gowns are quite functional. They exceed function better then a 1969 Corvette on the open roads of Montana where the speed limit is "whatever is reasonable."

So now should come the Guccis and the Tommy Hilfigers, hell, even the Kathy Lee Giffords, for the medical set. They've already set up the medical professionals. And I must say, if you can find a doctor or nurse attractive in scrubs, someone is doing their job right.

So why not the patients, without whom all this (grand gesture here) wouldn't be possible or even necessary? Why not the seething masses yearning to be free of bad fashion? Why not the tired, the sick, the hungry (usually hungry, because they had to purge their bodies for the previous 48 hours prior to a medical procedure) yearning not just for breathable cotton, but something peppy, something snappy, something free of bad fashion?

Did I say that last bit twice?

Well, I stand by what I said. Twice.

That, and I am tired of a room full of people having easy access to what I would otherwise consider my dear and privates.

Oh, and something in a nice forest green for me.

It brings out my eyes.