Toyota Ain't Kosha' - Part 2

Page 2.

Since we ended with a Paul Harvey-esque quote last week, I thought it only apropos that we open with one this week. Then, the circle will be complete. When I left you last week, I was but the learner.

Now I am the master.

But my master-hood pales like a 60’s Native American movie-extra, and one of the poorly paid movie-extras at that, next to the horrors that I have witnessed at the marketing hands of Toyota.

For those of you who haven’t heard of Toyota, and who can blame you, they were a small upstart Japanese car manufacturer. In the 70s and the 80s their smaller, more fuel-efficient, economical and longer-lasting cars were viewed as a minor threat by the Big Three in Detroit. But Americans, sensing that if they didn’t act in chorus would have most of their industry shifted off shore which would prompt a growing trade-deficit with other counties and a reliance on foriegn oil that might necessitate military intervention in the Middle East to protect our economic interests, banded together, and bought only products Made in the U.S.A. Fortunately, all those worries were for naught, and peace in the Middle East has reigned supreme.

Today, it’s hard to find a label or stamp that isn’t domestically produced.

But Toyota, with pluck and moxy that would impress even Charlton Heston, has launched a new add campaign. The question I have, though, is exactly what are they trying to say. For example, a few weeks ago, I was at my parents house and was able to actually watch cable television. One of the commercials I saw was this one from Toyota.

Now, I’ve been in marketing in one fashion or another for the past ten years. As I watched the aforementioned commercial, I was certain I knew what would occur. The hapless and helpless, clearly innocent of any wrong-doing piggy bank would triumph over the Toyota car, much as American altruism triumphed over foreign market self-interest pushes so many decades ago. The tag-line, when all was said and done, would read: “Toyota: Won’t break the piggy bank.”

But no!

Imagine my horror as the nearly defeated cabalistic cretin of a car (alliteration rules!) pulls out at miniature hammer!

As we all know, miniature hammers have been the bane of ungulates down through the ages. Many a bitter war has been fought, with the loss of life amongst Sus scrofa domesticus and Malleus sapien.

Oh, the foolishness.

And so I screamed at my parents’ television much the same way that Anakin Skywalker screamed upon learning that all the script-writing budget went for CGI, and Keanu Reeves would be writing dialogue as a favor to Lucas. You can see his reaction caught on film at the end of Revenge of the Sith.

No, seriously. That's all Reeves, baby.

But, as so often is the case with my articles, I digress.

Within Totyota's commercial, not only does the inevitable happen, and sweet, innocent life is lost once more as the piggy banks falls before its fatal foe (mmmm, more alliteration) but the tagline made no sense whatsoever.

And so I must call upon loyal, patriotic, God-fearing and George W. Bush supporting Americans everywhere to stop the madness. Stop the horror. Stop Toyota.

Toyota ain’t Kosha will become our battle-cry.