Commonwealth of Euphoria

Recently (in 2004) I had the opportunity to read the following posting on SF-FANDOM.com:

does ne 1 else wanna b an actress/actor so badley??? i do!! n big actors like jhonny depp n orlando bloom r such an inspiration!!! but i dno weatha i can make it bein an actress coz i live no where near an actin skool!! so if ne 1 rly thinks dis is interestin *** write bk! i wanna b ur m8s!!!!!!

l8rs xxx

Many forum members had a tough time figuring out exactly what this young, and clearly excitable, lady was trying to communicate to the other forum members. The importance of her notice was heightened by the use of multiple question-marks which denote magnitudes of confusion (in this case to the third power) and no less than six exclamation points at the end of her statement. If we all pull out our slide-rules, we can note that she is eighteen times more excited than a cocker-spaniel puppy seeing her master.

Metaphorically speaking, that’s a wave of puppy-pee.

How she ever managed to finish and hit the ‘post’ button without falling into a euphoric coma requiring permanent hospitalization is only a testament to her personal will power.

I, however, applaud her well thought out, and well articulated contentions. She had to have spent hours and hours purposefully mangling and destroying the English language just to be able to, at a whim, draft such a spectacularly chaotic set of statements requiring more, not less, time for the casual reader to decode. The dedication to corrupting her native language to the point that other native speakers cannot and will not be able to understand her denies the blasphemous rumors that this latest generation is filled with slackers and lazy wannabes.

Indeed, even as I draft this, I am simultaneously preparing to send my boss the following memorandum:

Hey boss!!! How R U 2day? Ima gr8! ‘Da rprts U wntd R bein dun, and any1 dat wnts dem can get dem!!! Der rly, rly coo1!!!!!!!!!!!!! K, i gots ta go now. B coo. L8R!!!!!!!!!!!

I expect that my dedication to this same cause will result in a dramatic shift in my employment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!