Truth in Advertising

Today I realized that even though Snickers is packed with peanuts, it doesn’t really satisfy. It doesn’t provide the warmth and love that I need to feel self-actualized. In truth, the peanuts are about the same number you get on an airline flight, if they give you peanuts. And the chewy-nougaty center is just empty promises.

Maxwell house is NOT good to the last drop. Coffee generally tastes like someone burnt something, and the last drop is cold, stale and forlorn.

Red Bull doesn’t give you wings, it gives you the shakes.

I’ve managed to eat just one Pringle. Once I've popped, I can and have stopped, especially if there's a dead rat inside. I know it’s more than three licks to get the center of the Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop. I’ve never been cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. And I don’t want that damn leprechaun’s Lucky Charms. He can keep them. I want the gold, damnit.

There is a wrong way to eat a Reese’s Peanutbutter Cup, and no, I’m not going to explain.

I will never, ever wake up with that freaky, big-headed king from Burger King. I have nothing against big-headed people in general. I’m sure they’re lovely. Just not interested in finding them in my house, in my bed, and wearing that crazy, psychopathic grin after a night when I clearly have not been drinking.

Or after I have been drinking. Either way, I'm not waking up with the King.

If it was my way, right away, it would be surrounded by $100s, with a cashier’s check for $2 million, the keys to a Porche 911, and Lexa Doig in the passenger seat.

Some days I don’t want to think outside the bun, or make a run for the border. Some days boring is good, cheap and tasty.

If they were really friendly skies we were flying, the airline stewardess would serve free alcohol and wear far less clothing. This also proves that Delta doesn’t really love to fly, and that there’s more than one way to fly than . . . that company who's slogan was that this is "The Only Way To Fly". Clearly a slogan that sold me many of their tickets.

If quality were really job one for Ford then my Ranger wouldn’t have had eight recalls already.

And finally, if Radio Shack really had the questions to my answers they wouldn’t need my phone number when I buy batteries. They also wouldn’t have taken a restraining order out against me, now would they? I mean honestly, how hard is it to come up with the nature of God?