Won't Somebody Think of the Children!?

Was singing a little “Wonder Woman” theme song today (In your satin tights, fighting for your rights, and the old Red, White and BLUE!!) . . . it’s best not to ask how these things get in my head. Anyhow, my co-worker suggested that I sing the She-Ra theme song instead. Apparently, she had a She-Ra lunch box and was feeling nostalgic.

Of course, the theme song has no words, just She-Ra giving away all her various secrets to the audience in a voice over . . . which, if you think about it, is pretty lame. I mean, even as a 17 year-old I could pretty much grasp the basic premise of She-Ra: Princess of Power. It's not like that tricky A-Team. Every time they'd get captured, I just had no idea how they were going to get away. It's a good thing they had Hannibal as their leader, and a familiarity with power tools. Total nail-biter.

And then it occurred to me: I MUST POSSESS THE DANCE RE-MIX OF SHE-RA'S OPENING MONOLOGUE.

Unfortunately, I can’t find one, which I find a sad commentary on today’s youth. Usually, if I can think of it, someone else has already thought of it, created it, marketed it, gone IPO and is now smoking a fat Cuban cigar while lounging on large piles of cash surrounded by naked women.

The fact that this re-mix doesn't exist filled me with all kinds of dread and apprehension. Has today's youth, who have corrupted everything from the once sane Transformers to the mighty Speed Racer never seen She-Ra? What about her cousin, He-Man, or their close associates G.I. Joe?

How do they get their moral compasses aligned without She-Ra admonishing them against the sins of racism? Where do they find their ethical path without He-Man, waving his cautionary finger, carrying on about sexual harassment while wearing nothing but his briefs, a foppish bob haircut, and S&M bondage straps? What do they do when confronted with the evils of fallen power-lines and there is no imperialistic, dogma-defending Duke from G.I. Joe to give them half the batter?

I think we all see where the nation has taken a wrong turn.